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"Just One Little Squeeze": A Close Look At Sakura Wars’ Incredibly NSFW ESRB Rating

If you don’t want some pretty serious spoilers, stay away from the ESRB’s official rating of the upcoming Sakura Wars. But if you want some hilarious one-liners, read on.

To be clear, nobody should be looking to anime (or anime-inspired games) for pickup lines. But if you had to choose, Sakura Wars is a pretty good source, according to the ESRB.

Given that Sakura Wars has only ever been released in North America once before (and several decades at that), some of you might be wondering just what the heck Sakura Wars even is. The ESRB is here for you, describing the game as a mecha combat action/simulator set in a steampunk version of 1920s Tokyo. Players don giant mech suits to defeat demons and other robots in melee-style combat. The action is frenetic, with plenty of violence and blood-splatter effects.

With that, Sakura Wars is already well on its way towards a T-for-Teen rating, but the “sexual material” is what puts it over the top.

First, let’s start with some dialog mentioning pornography. At some point in the game, a character says, “Whoa, that’s definitely a nudie magazine,” as though they’d never seen porn in their entire lives. Given this is 1920 and not 2020, we’ll call that part somewhat believable.

Nut now let’s move on to the minigames where the dialog then turns into gems like, “Man, those legs…Just imagining the paradise at the end of them…,” or how about, “As far as chest size… The bigger, the better!”

First of all, there’s no such thing as “the bigger, the better.” This is superseded by the well-documented concept of “too much of a good thing,” a state in which you only know you’ve arrived after you get there.

But perhaps best of all is the description of a scene where a character gropes a woman’s chest and says: “But they look so soft! Just one little squeeze…”

One can only assume that character is subsequently physically assaulted for the attempted sexual assault in the moments following that witty one-liner.

Apparently, there are also a few instances of steam-obscured breasts in addition to the word “sh*t” appearing in the game, but it’s the dialog that should really grab you.

Sakura Wars arrives on the PlayStation 4 on April 28, 2020.

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