Whenever I play a new Pokemon game, I build an all-native team. That is, I only use Pokemon who are new to this region. In the early stages I'll catch returning Pokemon to make sure I have a viable team of six, but by the second gym I'd expect to have six new 'mons, even if some of those eventually get traded out for other, better new 'mons. In the two most recent games though, I've had to come up with new ideas. In Brilliant Diamond I used a team of 'mons I'd never ran in any game before and found it to be freeing if a little hollow – I'd ignored these losers for a reason, after all. Going into Legends: Arceus I was bereft of ideas until I saw the huge Lopunny and Gardevoir. Maybe I've just been listening to too much Kim Petras, but I decided I was going to make a team of sluts.
Unfortunately, these plans were dashed almost as soon as they were formed. I went about the first area just collecting a decent team as well as keeping a lookout for any who could enter the slutty six. As with all Pokemon games, I tried not to spoil which Pokemon did and did not make the game, but then I had a chilling thought. Tsareena, my queen. This team would always be incomplete without the mighty mangosteen in the thigh high boots, and sure enough, I looked and found to my horror she did not make the cut. However, by this point I was already in too deep with the idea. Petras' "do me do me do me like that" was still swirling around my head. I couldn't abandon the sluts completely, but how could they truly claim to be Pokemon's top sluts without Tsareena in their ranks? That's why I tweaked the idea slightly and instead decided to assemble a Pokemon team for every kink. Enjoy.
Obviously Lopunny had always been earmarked for this team right from the beginning, but she slides in easily to a team of kink bait too. Whatever joke I could make about other things sliding in easily would never be as uncomfortable for you as me just pointing to the idea and letting you picture it, so I'm going to do that. Just remember next time you see a Lopunny that there are real people out there who would choose to have sex with Lopunny over all other people or fictional characters.
Lopunny fills the furry fetish slot (again, picture it yourself) which could have been taken by a multitude of 'mons. Lucario, Zoroark, and even Ninetales could also fulfil this role, but add in the undeniable Playboy feel to a giant sex bunny and there was no one else but Lopunny.
Another one who was nailed on from the start (look, you're the one picturing these things), Gardevoir takes the role of the increasingly popular mommy kink. Pokemon seems to be pushing a Gardevoir archetype in each generation now, but you always remember your first. With her simple but sophisticated hairstyle, elegant poise, and… look, why am I listing reasons people want to fuck Gardevoir as if you don't all know for a fact that people do? She's the classy to Tsareena's trashy, and an obvious pick for Team Kink.
This is where things get slightly more complicated. Goodra has always been weird fetish bait thanks to the fact it wanders around like it just stumbled off a bukakke set. It has never been clear to me if the kink came from the idea that the liquid was, in fact, jizz, or whether it was a WAM-centric idea where just being covered in any sort of goo was enough to make people cover the insides of their own trousers in goo.
In Legends: Arceus, we get a Hisuian variant of Goodra, wherein its plump, playful shape is replaced by a more slender frame and it gains a snail shell on its back, presumably to explain the goo in the least sexy way possible to try and shake off Goodra's reputation. I'm betting that a simple cinnamon bun will not dispel the kinksters, and so I have room for Goodra in my six.
Tsareena is not the only Pokemon to miss out here. Both Gothitelle and Hatterene, who could have filled the alt girl slot on both teams, did not make it to Hisui. Fear not, because Roserade, with their androgynous look and melodramatic affectations, is here to save the day. Obviously, as a literal rose, Roserade would also fulfil any sort of pain-based kink too – every rose has its thorn, and every Roserade has its spiked collars, or however the expression goes. Roserade is toxic, painful, wildly unpredictable, and a little bit mean. They can play the domme or the bratty sub. They're every kinkster's dream.
I want to make it clear, and probably should have done before the fifth entry, that my team was assembled to appeal to as wide a range of fetishes as possible, not to cram all my kinks in. I have zero interest in being eaten by a Pokemon, nor by any entity. If I was a whore for vore though, I think Vespiquen would appeal.
For one thing, she's literally a queen. The domination and power that comes with vore is easily fulfilled by her status and her desire to have things all her own way. Meanwhile, she still has a distinctly feminine shape while having a monstrous visage. Gardevoir seems like the most obvious Lady Dimitrescu comparison, but considering how eager people were to have Lady D kill them, perhaps Vespiquen's monstrous talons are sexy after all. For those whose greatest desire is to have Pokemon tear their flesh from their bones, look no further than Vespiquen.
If you know, you know. And you have my sympathy.
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