Bella Thorne Is The Best, Most Chaotic Choice For Lady Deadpool

Bella Thorne has been campaigning hard for the role of Lady Deadpool, and if her public facing persona is anything to go by, she’s only going to go harder, mistress, harder, ooooh don’t stop! While it’s nothing new for former Disney stars to rebel against the House of Mouse’s squeaky clean image and overbearing rules, Thorne has taken things to a new level, by creating a (hugely controversial) OnlyFans page, directing PornHub short films, and promoting her line of lipsticks, named Fuck Me Firetruck Red, by simulating bouncing on a long, hard, thick lipstick. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?

Folks, I’ll be honest – I really fucking love Bella Thorne. I just find her impossible not to respect. The world of celebrity is so santised and fake (and I say this as someone who loves celebrity culture), and for all her faults, Thorne is very real. I know that last year when she promised nudes on her OnlyFans then delivered tasteful covered up shots the massive slew of refunds caused sex workers to temporarily be without income, and I’m not absolving her of her part in it, but a) OnlyFans should have had a better system in place and b) why are you buying naked pictures of millionaires?

I don’t think Thorne will be successful in her quest to be Lady Deadpool, but that won’t stop me from joining her fight. She is the perfectly chaotic choice for a movie that needs to keep being weird and lewd even if the money goes to Disney now. A few people have commented that Disney wouldn’t give the gig to Thorne after she made porn – she technically directed a short erotic film starring porn stars, but not actually porn – but that’s one of several reasons she should get it. This is Deadpool, folks. I know it’s now Disney’s Deadpool, but that shouldn’t change it. If you were going to see Deadpool 3 but you found out one of the co-stars once made a short film where a lady got her boobies out and decided against it, I’m not sure Deadpool 3 would have been for you anyway.

Bella Thorne is not the best actor in the world, but as Lady Deadpool she would basically be playing herself. It’s all Ryan Reynolds does. Free Guy, Red Notice, and The Adam Project are all just him playing himself. Deadpool is just himself but with sex jokes. It works for Deadpool because of how natural yet meta the whole thing is. Bella Thorne has a song called ‘In You’, about how she misses her boyfriend even when his penis is inside of her. I think we can let her put on a red leotard and be herself and know that we are in for as much unhinged, sexually charged energy as Deadpool can handle.

Have you ever seen a Bella Thorne movie? She’s in precisely zero good ones, but (with the exception of The Babysitter, where everyone brings perfect Bella Thorne energy to the table) she’s always the best thing in them. She’s not great, but she’s better than she’s given credit for. I think she deliberately chooses these projects because she’s slowly building a glorious trash pile of soon-to-be cult hits. Her most recent movie, Habit, is a remake of the 1989 Robert De Niro movie We’re No Angels and no, we didn’t need a We’re No Angels remake, thanks for asking. The original came out in 1955, so it’s a remake of a remake. Thorne fucks more than De Niro though.

Thorne plays a drug mule who has to lie low, so she poses as a nun. At one point she beats up a man who tries to steal charity money and screams about how the nuns have synched up their periods so it’s a bad day to fuck with Jesus. Oh yeah, she also has a major crush on Jesus and fantasises about sex with him. Please make her Lady Deadpool.

She carries the movie, picking up a cast which includes Gavin Rossdale (yes, that one) and Paris Jackson (yes, that one). Everyone else feels like they’re reading their lines off a cue card, shouting them at random volumes with no sense of delivery or reaction, but Thorne is actually acting. She’s not good, but did you hear a single word I said about the movie? Why would you expect her to be?

I’ve always thought it would be an interesting thought experiment to put the best of the B-movie stars into a bona fide Hollywood flick and see how they bounce off other stars. Samara Weaving gives her a run for her money in The Babysitter, but when Thorne’s archetype in that movie is the Stupid Slut, she leans into that perfectly. I’d like to see her given a chance as the star she always is in B-movies, but in a major project. Besides, it’s Lady Deadpool. We’re not going to get Saoirse Ronan or Kate Winslet, it needs to be someone with the chaos of Bella Thorne.

The only other suggestion who rivals Thorne is Blake Lively, Reynolds’ real-life wife, but then that is her only selling point. I think that moves it beyond Deadpool-meta and becomes too much of a nod to the audience, too much of a plea for attention. It’s a try-hard move. It’s Andrew Garflied and Toby Maguire in No Way Home, except even worse because they’d tell us in the trailer and then there would be nothing worthwhile in the movie. Does anyone think Lively is even vaguely suited to Lady Deadpool outside of the fact she’s married to Deadpool in real life?

I’m not sure how popular a choice Bella Thorne would be, and I’m not even sure how good she’d be – but I do know it’s a casting choice that would increase my interest tenfold in what is otherwise likely to be a neutered, run-out-of-steam threequel. For the chaos, if for nothing else, make Bella Thorne Lady Deadpool.

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