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5 Signs That Elden Ring’s The Lands Between Is Really Just Tory Britain

Elden Ring’s The Lands Between is a miserable place. It’s a land of despair, dishonesty, bloodshed, and creatures of unimaginable horror. Everywhere you turn awaits decay, signs of a once great civilization that has now crumbled into a shell of its former self.

These are all words that can be applied to Great Britain – an island that for decades now has defined itself with a Conservative government eager to tear it asunder for its own selfish benefit, watching the populace plunge into economic disparity while falling victim to its own lofty hubris. The weather is also garbage, with Limgrave attracted a higher amount of rainfall than Swansea in a windy October. Fuck the Tories, and Fuck Elden Ring.

Because I’m a very responsible and serious critic when it comes to covering video games, I have pieced together five aspects of Elden Ring that remind me of good ol’ Tory Britain. Even on the surface, The Lands Between has a lot in common with our poppy-donning hellscape, and I’m not just talking about the miserable colour palette or rampant vandalism.

5 – The Abandoned Mines

Margaret Thatcher thankfully isn’t a boss battle in Elden Ring. Well at least I don’t think so, I’ve been to the deepest recesses of hell in this game and haven’t managed to find her. If she does appear I’ll need to summon a lot of allies to take her down, ready to tackle a multiple stage boss fight as she rises from the grave once again.

Despite her absence in The Lands Between, aspects of her legacy remain. Underneath the world’s many regions sit decrepit mines filled with zombified workers chipping away at crystalline walls, commanded by sorcerers to gather resources against their will. Who knows what these objects are being used for, but it’s clear these rusting mines were once far mightier, perhaps even an economic superpower for the people of Limgrave.

All we can do is explore them in search of spoils, many of its tiresome workers ignoring our presence unless we happen to start a fight. These places are fascinating, but the plethora of scattered tools and dusty corpses remind me of all the atrocities performed by everyone’s favourite prime minister. The Iron Lady totally sounds like a Souls NPC too. She’ll be snatching our milk in the upcoming expansion, calling it now.

4 – Rampant Economic Disparity

The Lands Between has a number of towering castles dotting the landscape. These are landmarks once ruled by all-powerful monarchs, who much like the Tories were doomed to falter due to their own misplaced confidence. Upon exploring these places we learn about the power dynamics that once made such figures so influential.

Peasants can be found scrambling for food and shelter in the lower halls, dressed in little more than disgusting rags as they scramble towards us looking for a fight. Upon emerging onto the ramparts we come across soldiers who have been brainwashed to fight for an unjust cause, falling onto our swords to protect superiors who don’t have a care in the world for who they are or what they represent.

The higher we ascend, the more illustrious the architecture becomes, like all the available resources have been poured into creating monuments to excellence that ultimately mean nothing. We will still strike them down, leaving these places as little more than history lessons to a leadership that failed to achieve anything.

You’ll find so many burning villages and abandoned huts throughout The Lands Between. It’s a lot like London being the centre of attention while the rest of the country is all but doomed to austerity. The powers that be don’t care about their citizenry, just like the Tories don’t care about us.

3 – Awful Weather

I’m not saying that Boris Johnson is responsible for Britains awful climate, but he might be. You’ll rarely have a day in Elden Ring where you fancy stepping outside and bathing in the sunshine. It’s always cloudy, with rain unafraid to spill from the sky and soak us from head to toe. It sucks, and moving to neighbouring regions doesn’t help much either.

Some are filled with blood-red skies, while others are swampy and poisonous all over like Birmingham or Croydon. There isn't much nice scenery to be found across The Lands Between, even if there’s a definite beauty to be drawn from its continued melancholy. Sunshine might emerge a handful of days a year, but you’d be far too scared to venture outside to savour it anyway so what’s the point.

2 – You Can’t Trust Anyone

Like previous Soulsborne titles, everyone you meet in Elden Ring holds themselves with a level of scrutiny that every single word that leaves their mouths cannot be trusted. You will make a few friends on your journey, many of which will find shelter in The Roundtable Hold, but there are far more merchants, warriors, and strangers who will happily betray you, dubious in their intentions even if on the surface they seem perfectly nice.

That sounds like a Tory to me, willing to lie through their teeth so long as they benefit from the situation. Unlike reality, Elden Ring doesn’t stop you from striking down potential Conservatives with your blade the second they step out of line.

1 – Everyone Is Miserable

As a citizen of Great Britain I have resigned myself to a state of perpetual unhappiness. Our economy is rubbish, trans healthcare is in the toilet, and nobody in this country seems to take the pandemic seriously. At times like this I’m happy that games like Elden Ring exist to distract me from the real world. But wait, everyone here is miserable too! It’s probably all Jeremy Corbyn’s fault.

Yep, The Lands Between has so much in common with Tory Britain that I’m not surprised that everyone within it is also utterly miserable. Some might let out a cathartic chuckle at their own expense, but the majority of people you stumble across just won’t shut up about how shit their lives are and how rubbish all of this violence and corruption is. Like I get it, can’t you just stay inside to play video games and watch anime like the rest of us?

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