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The 12 Days Of Gamer Christmas

Christmas is a time of cheer and goodwill to all. Unfortunately, as a gamer, I have no time for either. What I do have time for though is changing the name of popular Christmas songs to fit gaming, all in the name of producing sweet, sweet #content. It's a gamer's life for me. The song 12 Days of Christmas has never made all that much sense to me, mostly because pipers piping and drummers drumming aren't usually on my letter to Santa each year. I did, however, research the song for this opening paragraph (big time #content lover, me), and discovered it originated in my home city, so I can now safely declare it the greatest Christmas song ever. Or at least, second best to Taylor Swift's Christmas Tree Farm. Still, it could be improved by making it all about gamers. Let's find out, shall we?

I'm not doing the whole song, given it repeats itself, but will skip to the full complement of prezzies on the twelfth day of Christmas. Ordinarily we're meant to get drummers drumming, but that sounds very loud, so we're going for the much cuter 'twelve of those little circle things from Taiko no Tatsujin drumming'. Merry Christmas.

In the original song, the eleven pipers piping refers to musicians playing pipes, but we already have drummers so let’s try something different. What about eleven Ellies a-caving skulls in. You know, because in The Last of Us she caves peoples skulls in with pipes. How’s that for some holiday cheer?

I thought about putting someone from a Lord of the Rings video game here, but that seemed a little too obvious. So I went for Overwatch’s Reaper, and ten lords a-edging. Which is not a weird sex thing (nobody has sex with Reaper mains), but a reference to Reaper being such an edgelord. You know those broody, moody teenage boys who always bring the mood down at Christmas? Yeah, I got you ten of them. Good luck.

There were plenty of ladies to choose from for nine ladies dancing, but there was only one dancing lady I could possibly pick – Final Fantasy 7’s Cloud. His dancing exploits at The Honey Bee Inn are the stuff of legends, and there is no better dancing lady I would want nine of underneath my Christmas tree, so I'm putting them under yours. It's a tight squeeze, but being tightly squeezed by nine versions of Cloud Strife doesn't sound half bad. And there's the weird sex thing.

Look, I could probably make eight maids a-milking into a weird sex thing too if I wanted, but Christmas is a time for families, so let's keep it PG. While plenty of games have featured cows as background elements in scene setting, the most famous gaming cow is Whitney's Miltank. Yeah, the one everyone hates! Anyway I got you eight of them. Enjoy.

I'm not going to be lazy and pick another Pokemon for seven swans a-swimming, but I am going to be lazy and not pick a swan. Instead, it's seven ducks a-hunting from you, with the gift of the duck from Duck Hunt. Not the giggling dog though – fuck that guy. No Christmas for him. Okay, maybe one box of chocolates…

Obvious one isn't it? It's six geese a-stealing from Untitled Goose Game. I had a longer paragraph here but the Goose stole it.

You know, I tried to think of a good piece of jewellery from video games that I could slot in here, but for gamers of a certain age, Xbox’s red ring of death is too iconic to overlook. It happened to me twice, and it's a core part of the gaming zeitgeist. It's also a pretty garbage present, especially when you're getting five of them, but it is what it is.

Four calling birds was a tough one, because there's not really a lot to work off. I decided to ditch the whole bird thing altogether, which will become an increasingly prominent theme, in favour of the idea of 'calling'. I opted therefore to go for four ping boosts, which doesn't rhyme, make all that much sense, nor fit the rhythm. But, what it does well, what it does brilliantly in fact, is let me move on to another entry and get on with my life.

I'm not getting you hens for Christmas, that's silly. So instead, you're getting three versions of the first French video game character I can think of, Lili from Tekken. Lili's simple combos and aerial juggling make her a dream to play as. She's an especially great gift for fellow editors at TheGamer, as a reminder of my unbeaten streak as champion of TheGamer's Tekken tournament.

I don't know why birds were considered such great Christmas presents back when this song was written, but frankly I'm sick of it. I know turtle doves are doves, not turtles, but you're getting turtles. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from Shredder's Revenge, in fact. But only two of them – Leonardo and Donatello, the best two.

I'm still on birds aren't I, and I'm still going to avoid the temptation of relying on Pokemon. But again, I am forced to spread my wings a little wider in my pursuit of video game birds, as gaming is rather light on partridges. Therefore, what you're getting is not a partridge in a pear tree, but a Songbird in a cage as I get you that massive metal bird from BioShock Infinite. It's a metaphor, which all the best Christmas presents are.

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