Ranking The Gods Of Hades By How Dateable They Are

When it comes to Greek myth, there's a lot of…drama. Everyone is related to each other, there's a lot of patricide, and a bit too much fornication. The Greek gods weren't exactly good people. True to history, Hades portrays them as primarily self-centered. But when the whole game centers around them, it's hard not to grow fond of these incredibly flawed gods.

If there's one other thing the gods in Hades are famous for, it's how attractive they are, which fits with the obsession with beauty from myth, too. Zagreus himself can even choose to romance some of his fellow gods. Of course, players wanted those gods for themselves, too, so we're going to present a truly and completely unbiased list of just how dateable some of those gods would be.

10/10 Zeus

Zeus has a certain reputation in the media. The god of thunder, leader of the Olympians, boisterous, proud, and a little too promiscuous. Alas, that truly is the character of Zeus in Greek myth as well, and Hades portrays him no differently. He is so confident it's sickening. He acts so joyfully, yet like he'd smite you for one wrong word.

Now ask yourself, do you truly want to date someone like that? Oh, Zeus will promise you the world and then some, only to toss you aside when his actual Godly wife comes along and smites you too. There's no winning! Basically everything that's gone wrong in Hades is his fault. For how prolific of partners he is, you should not add yourself to the list. He is a selfish lover.

9/10 Poseidon

God of the Sea and all that dwells within it (as well as horses, for some reason), Poseidon is the ruler of the seas and takes great pride in it. In Hades, he plays the role of the joyful uncle who doesn't want to upset his brother but really wants to give his nephew a good time. He seems like a nice guy, but he's living in his brother's shadow.

You could definitely date him; you might even have a good time. Historically, he's not the most unfaithful partner, though he does seem like he's never quite satisfied, either. He's more of a brief fling kind of guy, moving on to his next target before long. He'll bring you fishing aplenty, though, if that's your thing.

8/10 Charon

A being of few words, Charon isn't strictly a god. They're more of a supernatural being with a very specific purpose, and that's ferrying the souls of the dead to the Underworld. Of course, they do the same in Hades, doubling as a merchant with the riches they've amassed from those self-same souls they've transported.

Charon is…hard to explain. They're alluring, despite literally never speaking a word. They're rich, but that's not a good reason to give them a chance. They spend all of eternity transporting the dead, so they likely wouldn't have much free time unless trips down the Styx are your thing. There's a lot of mystery, but maybe they'd be a great lover!

7/10 Hypnos

In Greek myth, Hypnos isn't exactly a god but a personification of a trait. That trait being sleep, the eternal insomniac. In myth, he has the power to lull anyone to sleep and enjoys having uninterrupted moments to himself. In Hades, he's actually awake most of the time you see him and a bit too observant for someone so drowsy, too.

The thing is, he's cute. He'll never push you to do anything because he's probably too tired to actually do it himself. He's incredibly overanalytical to the point of condescension, but it comes from a helpful place. You'd need to take the lead and be willing to put up with almost eternal slumber, but there's a heart of gold buried in that sleepyhead.

6/10 Artemis

Artemis is famed as the goddess of the hunt, though she is unique in being only one of three virgin goddesses of Greek myth. In a pantheon filled with illicit acts and vengeful parents, Artemis managed to avoid much of the drama, instead focusing on her duties. In Hades, she's depicted as a bit of a recluse, happier amongst her nymphs and creatures than her warring family.

By all means, Artemis would be hard to approach. In fact, she may not even want to date anyone, which you should respect for someone who can hunt down any creature in existence. Be her friend first, and maybe she'll warm up to you. She's a kind soul who takes things at her own pace.

5/10 Thanatos

Thanatos, like his brother Hypnos and mother Nyx, is not a god but the personification of death. He's a bit like the grim reaper in a sense, claiming your soul at death to ensure you fall into the natural cycle rather than being the one to kill you. In Hades, he's exactly that. A somber job makes a stoic man out of him, but there's emotion underneath.

You might be asking what's so attractive about death, that finality of life? Outside living your life on the edge with Literal Death, Thanatos doesn't view death as the end but as another form of life. A relationship with him never has to end, and he'll put in the work to prove it. He just struggles to get the right words out.

4/10 Megaera

The primary of the three Furies, Megaera has only a limited amount in Greek myth compared to her Godly companions. Like her sisters, she is a justiciar of the Underworld, hearing complaints and tracking them to the end of existence. In Hades, she does this on behalf of, well, Hades in hunting down his son and her lover, Zagreus.

Megaera is relentless. Two things are very important to know if you want to date Megaera. You will not be the one leading the relationship, and you better love punishment. There's genuine affection in there, don't worry. She just shows it through actions involving whips rather than words. At least she's direct about her feelings, one of the rare figures in Greek myth to do so.

3/10 Zagreus

The beloved protagonist of Hades, Zagreus deserves his own chance at love too. In Greek myth, there's quite a bit, but very little of it consistent, making him the perfect protagonist. He's more of a blank slate than other mythological figures, though in Hades, he's a complete darling.

Being the protagonist, you see Zagreus the most. He gives off a rough and rebellious demeanor, but in reality, he's such a caring guy who wants nothing but answers. Sure, he can be a little irresponsible, but he's just looking for some stability in the afterlife. Maybe you could be the one to give it to him?

2/10 Dionysus

Dionysus is a fun god, often seen as one of the 12 Olympians, while other times as simply as a demi-god. His origins are various, and he's more associated with outsiders than the harsh closeness of the Olympians. In Hades, he's a party animal, a cup of wine in his hand at all times, but never pressuring you.

Almost like an affront to his Olympian brethren, Dionysus knew how to have fun without needing to break another lover's heart. He held few loves and held them close. He always has wine close by as a comfort drink and is always a lax but joyful sort to be around. The perfect man? Maybe so.

1/10 Aphrodite

This is one you don't have a choice in. Aphrodite is the god of love, lust, and beauty. If you've ever been afflicted with feelings of yearning, you're already the subject of her desire. In Hades, she doesn't really leave much to the imagination in her design. This shouldn't come as a shock, but she's not an incredibly faithful individual.

Is she someone you should date? No, of course not. But this list isn't about who you should date. It's about how dateable they are, and when the literal god of love approaches you and says she wants to go out with you, you're not really going to be in a position to deny her, are you? You'll have fun while it lasts, though; don't worry.

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